“This tea tastes like the tears of homeless people.”
— Unwelcome critical feedback yelled by me (Christmas @ work, 9 am, 2011)
Re: Fitness
I don’t know if I want to officially declare that I’m out of shape.
All I know is that I got out of breath munching on those sour keys.
Re: Enquiries
Lady @ Work (*randomly approaching my desk*): You look like you’re enjoying yourself
Me: Yes. I am listening to the rappps musickkks.
Lady @ Work: What? Oh yeaaah? I used to listen to a lot of rap as a teen. What’re you listening to?
Me: Harry Asshole
Lady @ Work: WHATTT?
Me: “Harry Asshole” by UGK. That’s what I’m listening to.
Lady @ Work: Do I even want to know what it’s about?
Me: I dunno, do you?
Lady @ Work: Hmmm….
Me: Pimp C’s just talking about how he doesn’t get sexually aroused by women who shave their pus… umm vaginas and assholes. He prefers them yknow… hairy. Hence the name.
Lady @ Work: Jeeeeeesus Christ *starts walking away*
Me (yelling at lady at work as she walks away): YOU CANNOT H888 ON HIS HONESTY! WHAT IF IT IS A MEDITATION ON “BEAUTY” AS A FAKE-ASS MAINSTREAM SOCIAL CONSTRUCT AND ABT PIMP C’S REFUSAL TO ABIDE BY THESE STERILIZED STANDARDS? HUH? HUH? HUH?
Lady @ Work: They warned me about you *continues walking away*
Me (to coworker beside me): You know what…I’m being silly…. she would probably appreciate the tune a lot more if I sent her a linkkk
Co-worker: I highly recommend you don’t.
Re: Why I will never quit (but I may get fired)
So my whole department received this email from our Business Development Manager:
TEAM - Just a friendly reminder to provide an update. My records indicate that I still need feedback - L+L ideas - from:
-xxxxxx
-xxxxxx
-xxxxxx
-xxxxxx
-xxxxxxYour feedback is greatly appreciated and is due today, Fri Jul 15 by 9:00 AM.
Thanks to those- xxxxxx, xxxxxx, xxxxxx- who have provided their feedback.
___________________________________________________________________
Now since I was one among the “xxxxxx” who had yet to provide feedback, I should’ve just responded politely with my ideas. I instead chose to respond like so:
Look at you …getting shit done with your slick, subtle, passive aggressive attack emails. As I am fluent in subtext, I have decoded your message as actually being:
“TEAM - Here’s a friendly fuck you to ppl who are not contributing in any way, shape or form to initiatives I have taken upon myself to organize.My records indicate that the following list of crack-smoking slackers have yet to contribute anything useful to our company and/or society at large:
- List of d-bags
Thanks to the few who actually gave this some thought and don’t worship at the altar of the Almighty Crack Rock.”
Re: Groupthink
Time: January 2011, 2nd Week
Location: Serious workplace
Subject: Discussions I nonchalantly started and then got aggressively involved in, ranked based on appropriateness
3. If you get asked to write a greeting card message congratulating a Project Director on the birth of his first child, are you not allowed to make references to annoying people and sign off using the term “fuckface”?
(Okkk so fine, this isn’t a hypothetical qn, I actually did this a couple days ago. In my defense, I’ve worked with the project director in question and I did not know that using the term “fuckface” on baby cards was frowned upon)
2. If you were the Batman, how much would you hate the Bat Signal?
(I mean, shit. It’s 11 am. You’re just kicking back, chilling on your couch in your tattered, discoloured, no-name boxers, eating Nutella straight out of the can. Just as you start getting into this Gilmore Girls rerun that’s on, BAM! Bat signal goes up. You now have to wear tights and fight crime. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Commissioner Gordon. Can I get a moment up in here?)
1. If you went into the bathroom and found out that your best friend died right next to the toilet bowl while taking a dump, would you wipe their ass for them?
(I mean, would you seriously just let your best friend suffer the disgrace of being found dead with a dirty, crusty, un-wiped ass? What does this say about your friendship? What does this say about you?)
When I have to stay at work for 2 hour conference calls past five, these are the kind of detailed meeting notes I end up taking.
“As I Opened Fire”, Roy Lichtenstein
Random aside that probably isn’t worth reading unless you have lots of time to kill:
So, this is now my new desktop wallpaper for my computer at work. It used to be this badass image of Bobby Seale eating a sandwich, but then quite a few people started asking me if it was picture of myself on a bad day. What the what??? The nerve of these fuckfaces! Firstly, I’m not narcissistic enough to use a pic of myself as my wallpaper. Secondly, I do not look like Bobby Seale (LOLatent racism)
So anyways, whenever this happens I end up explaining that no! no!, this isn’t a picture of myself, it’s a picture of Bobby Seale awaiting trial, and that the badass quotient of this pic is enhanced by my fascination with watching people eat sandwiches. At this point, their previously curious expressions go blank. So I respond by blabbing more details about Bobby Seale and about how much I love watching people eat sandwiches ( style + uninhibited zest = FTW!). They always respond by either looking at me weird or by commenting on how “disturbing” and/or “militant” it is to put a pic of a Black Panther Party member.
So finally after months of annoying “is that you?” q’s, I just decided to replace Bobby Seale with this Lichtenstein piece to save both my time and breath. Pop art’s dope eitherways, so I don’t really see this as a big concession.
Weirdest thing about current co-worker reactions though, NOBODY thinks that a piece titled “As I Opened Fire” containing actual images of gunfire is “disturbing” or “militant.”
Must be the the bright colours, I guess.
“I’m a big big girl / In a big big world
It’s not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel / That I do do will /
Miss you much / Miss you much”
—
Sounds like something Killa Cam would spit over a ridiculoid Heatmakerz beat, doesn’t it? Well, fuck your shitty opinion, I certainly seem to think so.
So anyways, last week, I was just talking to my co-worker about how I dug this song from a lyrical standpoint. These highlighted lines marry the right amount of strength and resolve with honesty and vulnerability, you feel me? None of that boring, predictable “I’m-stronger-because of-this-breakup” bullshit. By sincerely putting all of her cards out on the table, Emilia eshews lame posturing and transparent bravado; she exhibits genuine understanding and “real” courage. Pragmatic pop, yay! I can get down with this kind of shit.
But anyway, while I was at work trying to explain why I liked the song, I realized that I didn’t remember the artist’s name or any of the song’s lyrics outside of the aforementioned lines. So I decided to google it. However, just as I started to do so, a Project Manager sprung up right behind me (goddamn ninja steez!) to discuss a submission we were working on.
All the Project Manager saw on my computer screen was the google homepage with the words “BIG BIG GIRL” typed in the search screen.
Hella awkward.
I would’ve been embarrassed if I had a sense of dignity. Luckily, I don’t.
The only reason I’m posting this is because someone’s eventually gonna ask me about how I feel about this track and I’m gonna be like: “The beat and chorus sorta bang but I’m ever-so-slightly disappointed by Rihanna’s shift away from the darker aesthetic of Rated R’s previous few singles.”
But then this song is going to get stuck in my head like pizza jingles and I’m gonna end up humming it 24/7. Then I’ll be in the men’s washroom at work, not notice that there’s someone in the stall next to me and bust out “Come here, rude boy boy Can you get it up? Come here, rude boy boy, Is you big enough?” Diva swagger will be felt buzzing through my rendition. And then there’s gonna be an incredibly painful and awkward silence when I realize that someone’s there. My crooning will cease abruptly. There will be no duet. We will not make eye contact after the fact. We will pretend like it never happened. We were never there. Whatever are you talking about?
Trust me, this is going to happen. It always does. Why? Because this is how my life plays out. I am destined to sing mad corny/obscene lyrics at inopportune times. 4everandeverandever.
I’ll be lucky if I don’t get caught singing “I wa-wa-want what you wa-wa-want / Give it to me, baby Like boom boom boom” But luck don’t love me. Which is a-okay. Life is too short and awesome; there’s no place for shame in it. LET’S DO THIS!
“Take it, take it Baby, baby Take it, take it Love me, love me”
I give myself a week. Place your bets.
